Parents - Take Note

Last week my sister and nephew came to visit for a week. My nephew is 2 1/2 years old, and in the terrible or terrific twos - however you look at it. He is a great kid, as is my sister a great woman, but together they are tough to be around.

That's because my sister is a permissive parent. She's doing the very best with what she knows, and I commend her for all the wonderful parenting that she's doing, but you just can't go through the day - and enjoy it - with a 2 1/2 year old without some structure and discipline.

Here's the advice I gave to my sister - which worked beautifully with my nephew, by the way.

Give appropriate choices. When your kids are young (before age 8) they live quite in the moment and don't plan out their afternoon. Don't ask 'What do you want to do today?' to a toddler - the kid doesn't know! Do ask 'Would you like to go to the beach or the playground?' And, make sure that BOTH the choices you offer are quite alright with you.

Use your mommy voice. Almost 80% of our communication comes through our tone of voice. So, when you tell a child to 'Stop It!' with your sing song 'Let's Play' voice, you are sending a double message - and your child believes the tone, not the words. Mommy voice does not mean yelling, it means that you deepen your tone, increase your volume slightly and add a bit of force.

Be in charge. Believe it or not, your child wants you to be in charge and that means that you call the shots. It's necessary to give choices, options and leave space for your child's contributions, but it's even more important that your child knows that you've got the control. This means making statements as opposed to questions during certain times. If it's time to go to the car, or get ready for bed, tell your child so and don't offer the opportunity for no.

The Power Statement. I learned this from Parenting Coach, Barb Desmarais - 'I'll know your ready to......, when you.....' This works great for shaping kid's behavior around things they want to do. 'I'll know you're ready for the smoothie when you're sitting at the table', worked great for me and my nephew. He jumped to the table every time.

Consistency, consistency, and follow through. You already know this. When you say 'If you do that one more time, then you're going to time out', know that initially your child will test you. They want to know if you really will follow through. You have a better likelihood of ending undesirable behavior if you really do give a time out, or whatever it is you said. Once you say it, do it! There are really no second chances in a child's mind.

Get trained. How did you learn to be a parent? Likely from your own family of origin. Most of us had parents who did the best they could, but could have done better at something. You as a parent are either going to do the same thing, or rebel against it and go completely the other way. Neither may really work the best. Read parenting books and go to a parenting class or two. You trained for your job and you took a test for a drivers license. Why would you want to wing it with the most important contribution you'll ever make to this world? Contrary to popular belief parenting classes are not just for the 'bad' parents that get send by Child Protective Services - they are for every parent who wants to add some tools to their parenting toolbelt.

Here's some resources for you:

Classes
Redirecting Children's Behavior Parenting Classes

Books

The Parent's Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP)
Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens (STEP)
Parenting Young Children : Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (Step) of Children Under Six

What other resources do you have? Let us know in the comments section.